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Thoughts on Depression
I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. I can’t say that I’m over it. It is still something I battle with every day. Every day I feel like my task is, How much can I push against it? It feels immeasurable. It feels like pushing back a tidal wave all day, every day. Trying to hold back a tsunami from pouring in and wiping everything out.
I haven’t learned how to successfully manage depression long-term. I just see it for what it is. How it clouds my perception. Of myself, my life, others, the world. How it traps me in frozen immobility. How it keeps me locked in despair, hopeless.
But there is another part of me — the lie detector — that senses depression isn’t always telling the truth. That in itself causes me great anxiety, because I’m constantly feeling emotions from the depressed side of me, and then the anxious observer part of me is always questioning, is that really true? Is that how I feel it is or is that how it really is? It’s exhausting.
Swimming helps me overcome it. Swimming is a remedy for me.
When I’m immersed in water on all sides, I feel weightless. I feel submerged in crystalline magic. I feel free. I feel renewed. It feels like a soothing blanket, encapsulating me on all sides. I feel like I truly belong in water. No anxiety. No thoughts. Just freedom. Movement. Expression. Surrender. Serenity.
